I've been around

No, I hadn't completely forgotten about blogspot but I've been avoiding the site like the plague. Both my blog sites actually. Even my Open Diary that I've had for years has been sitting mostly vacant because I can't be bothered to write. Its so unlike me but I've really needed some time to myself just lately. I guess I'll do some bullets to get the update done quicker.

• Bella. Ever since my family left she's been sick off and on. I honestly thought we had her constipation issue figured out and it was such an amazing relief, you just can't know. Her getting as sick as she did as quick as she did kind of threw me for a loop and since I wasn't expected or prepared it really weighed me down. I mean not that I needed something else to stress about, right? For the time being she does seem to be on the mend but I'm not going to take it too seriously because we all know I've been here before.

• I still don't have a car but I will in like two weeks. I'm silly scared, I've never had a car payment. I have been stressing hard CORE about coming up with the $1,600 that I need for the down payment/insurance startup fee/tags. I know that to some of you its a paltry sum, but to me its huge, almost insurmountable. I love my job more than most people even imagine they could love a job but that price I pay for that job is being paid a great deal less than I need to live on. But I couldn't imagine doing anything else except writing and these days I don't even have time for that anymore. Wait, did I get sidetracked? Oh right, car. Yeah so I should have one in three weekends, scary great.
  

• Roommate. Need I say more? Nosy intrusions, etc. Too tired to hash it out here.

• Some of the people in my life have been stressing me about when I'm getting married and when I'll start having kids. The answer is, I just don't know. I honestly thought I'd be there by now but when Jeremy proposed and I freaked out I decided that I wasn't ready. Okay well that was 4 years ago. Gr. I was fickle and indecisive and young and now I'm getting older and I feel like an idiot for saying no and I'm too "proud" (whatever that really means anyway) to go back to him. Not even really sure that I would want to. I don't think its anyone's business why I'm not dating anyone (do I NEED more stress in my life? And even the best guy is still a little stressful) or why I don't have kids. I'm 23. (Holy shit, it just occured to me how dangerously close I am to 24) Give me a freakin' break.

• Family. Still not speaking to my mother. I still feel completely nakedly betrayed by her. Grandma is sick-sick. The kind of sick that means there will probably be a funeral soon and I'll be on a jet to CA asap. I love my grandmother so much and I'm going to miss her like you wouldn't believe but I can't go to CA. I can't take time off work. I'm too stressed and too strapped. Gr!

I guess thats it. Stress Stress Stress. Annoying really. Believe it or not even with all these things I'm feeling pretty darn OKAY lately.

I'm thinking about picking up The Dark Tower again. I've got the Calla Speak in my head.

Thank ya big big. Long days and pleasant nights.