Oh Eight

I honestly can't believe that tomorrow is New Years Eve. Last year flew by so quickly that its all just surreal to me right now. I don't really feel like this whole last year happened at all.

Jen's back from California now. She's such a peach. Just like every time she comes back from California today was full of her talk of moving back and how she just misses it so much...blah-blah blah-blah blah. Really. Why not just try being happy that this is her third trip home this year, an average of 8 days each time. That is one entire month spent in California this year. Thats alot of time, in my humble opinion of course. I spent 7 days, one whole wonderful week, with my family this year. One week.

I think that her problem here stems from her unhealthy attachment to her family and her crippling fear of death. Losing a family member has got to be the hardest thing I've ever experienced but you can't quit living just because it was their time to go, nor can you quit living for fear that some one else you love might die. Every body on this planet is going to die. Its the saddest part of living; no matter what you do it always ends the same. So live now. Don't move 1,800 miles back home just to cling to your family so hard so that you can be even more unhealthily depressed when they do, inevitably, pass away! I get that family is important, I would love to spend more time with mine but the truth is simple: Neither of us can afford to live in California.

What would she do if she moved back? Live with her mom for starters, and probably would until she died or got married, whichever came first, and secondly she would start working for her grandparents again because its safe and comfortable and she wouldn't have to work for it. Forget that her grandparents already employ her 17 year old sister and her mother and they themselves struggle with money. Because its all about holding on, remember?

She asked today if she could come and visit when she moved back and I have to say I was shocked. I told her yes, but the truth is I couldn't let her. If she moves back, which I never doubted she would, it would be for all the wrong reasons and I would lose any respect I have for her. My disappointment would run so deep that I just couldn't have her in my house, let alone see or talk to her.

And honestly, who knows if I could even make it on my own here. I would be so strapped for money that I don't know if I could honestly make ends meet. So much so that if I couldn't find a better job I might be forced to find refuge back in California as well and if I had to move back because of her cowardice I don't know that that is something that I could forgive.

I don't honestly know what 2008 holds but it doesn't look promising. I am worried that I face not only being forced from the place I've made my home, but also the ultimate loss of a ten-year friendship. :o\