Disheartened

Today was really not a great day for me personally. I was exhausted from being up too late last night and I worked with my boss' daughter all day. She's a 17 year old "mother" who nabs every negative stereotype of unfit teenage mothers. But thats a story for another day.

I was sort of just grinding along all day feeling down about everything; life in general really. Its been so long since I've felt so fundamentally down it just upset me more to know that I am still capable of this depth of unhappiness. There is just so much going wrong in my life right now that I really feel like I'm not capable of handling it anymore. I have that nervous flighty feeling that I spent most of my teen years battling. It was a punch in the stomach that I was unprepared for. It was a reminder that those years aren't so far behind and I've only come a short way from there. Its so easy to fall back into that hopeless heaviness. And I'm sorry to admit that today I fell that far.

I've been trying to damn hard to be positive, to remember the good in everything and, of course, to believe that something better is always around the corner. (Despite the fact that this has never been true for me. Never.) Its so hard to believe that things will get better when your entire life has been a constant parade of hard times to prove to you that nothing ever does. Get better that is. Nothing. Life is a constant struggle for solid ground and no matter what I do I can't stay steady. Just when I think that everything might be okay for just a little while something else comes along to take away that feeling of temporary security.

I'm just so damn tired and I think that I've had all I can handle. I'm exhausted all the time and people around me that first suggested more sleep have become worried because the girl who always smiled now rarely does. I could sleep all day and all night then wake up just as wasted. No amount of rest could lift this surety that nothing is really going to be okay anymore. I'm too old to run away but too young to feel this hopeless about life.

And if all of this has just been a preview of whats to come I'd rather quit now. I can't take a whole life of this. I really can't. I'm too tired. Its too much.

I can't even find happiness in the things that I love. I cannot find the motivation to prepare myself for Nanowrimo. I have fallen out of love with my story and I just don't care to do it. I just want to break away from this life that has never been a friend and curl up in a little ball and just sleep through November.